"I wish I could die!" Please don't say that. "Why not?"

A wonderful picture of my loving brother Johnny and my adorable almost always happy Aunt Blanche.  Let's face it , MOM wouldn't want me to even take a picture of her right now much less post it. 

Mom has been complaining for 5 weeks. She has a UTI and 2 compound fractures in her spine. Very common issues for an elderly woman. They were being treated but she also had to be changed to a lift because of her weakness when being transported. She hates a lift because it takes away "the toilet" and changes her routine.  She could not be distracted from her misery, not even on her birthday, not even to comfort me when I started to cry about my son being deployed, not even when I bought her a new outfit. This was not the loving, caring, mother that I know and love . Her demeanor had changed significantly. She just kept saying she wished that she could die. I'd say, "Please don't say that ." She'd say " Why not?" This started a long list of meetings formal and informal to find a solution to her unhappiness. I met with the supervisor, the administrator,psychologists, social workers, physical therapists, nurses and nurse aids. Some felt there may be no solution, So pretty soon, I started to feel as though few people there wanted to see me coming. They didn't say so, but...frankly I didn't blame them. I have a feeling a new name for me around the Wesleyan could be "daughter downer." Last week, the 4th week, one of the nurses trying to figure out something to relieve her and me,  thought of putting her in a rock and go Wheel Chair. It's much bigger, more room, looked more comfortable. I said, "Go for it!" Unfortunately, Mom got worse. She hated the chair, hated that she had to be moved from her usual table at meals, hated every little thing about it. The nurse supervisor called me the next day and said, "She hates it and wants to get out of it, do you want to keep her in it?" I thought about it and said "I think she looks much more comfortable, it's just the change she doesn't like, let's keep her in it for awhile and revisit it after the weekend." When I got there that evening, Mom was livid. " I hate this chair, get me out of it, I want nothing to do with it! I hate that table , I want to go back and sit with my friends at my old table. This chair rocks and that gets on my nerves. I just wish I would die!"  That's when I saw the opportunity!! You know, one of those Oprah Winfrey Ahh Haa moments!  I said, "Mom, they can't make changes like this over the weekend. The supervisor has to tell the staff to give you back your old chair. On Monday, I will ask for your old wheel chair back but you must promise something. You must be happy! If I get your chair back, will you be happy then?" There was a moment of silence. She considered it and then answered, "Yes." I reminded her of this every time she complained about the Rock and go chair over the weekend. Yesterday was the first day with her old chair back, she also got moved back to her routine dining table and friends. Is she happy? Well maybe not thrilled, but there is a definite improvement! A noticeable improvement! I hugged her as I left and said , "I love you Mom." She patted me and said, "I love you too!" :)

How'd you get here? Sisters Reunite

"How'd you get here?" 

It was one of the sweetest moments I've ever experienced. In fact, every time I  think of it, my eyes tear up. My cousin Kimberly brought my 95 year old Aunt Blanche on a plane from Washington State to reunite with my mother, Nancy. This was not an easy task and frankly I don't know anyone else who would have ever even thought of it except Kimberly.  Blanche is mostly blind, and lives in an Assisted Living in Washington State. My mother Nancy, 88 years old and a stroke victim lives in a nursing home in Texas. Blanche & Nancy are the last surviving of 6 sisters. They hadn't seen each other in at least 30 years! It all started with Kimberly reading this blog! (I knew I was writing this blog for some reason..)  Kimberly started reading the posts to Blanche. Kimberly could relate to it  because she is "Caring for Blanche." Before we knew it, she called and said, "Ahhh shoot, it's only money, I'm just gonna bring Grandma to Texas to see her sister!"  We were all amazed that they would or could make such a trip. Mom was not warned of Blanche's trip to Texas. She would have gotten too anxious about it and let's face it, with people their age you never really know what 

might happen. That's why it took a little convincing for Mom to recognize her sister Blanche in this video.  Several of my cousins from Oklahoma and other areas of TX came to experience this touching moment as well. I can not even express the gratitude I feel for Kimberly making this happen. Also,words could never express this special moment in their life and for all of  us who were there to see it.  The video does it better. Enjoy.

The results are in, Father's day survey.

 I did a quick informal survey , asking 20 elderly residents 3 questions. Did you have a good father? What made your father good? If you could say something to your father today, what would you say?

Question #1 " Did you have a good father?" The answer was unanimous: "Yes, my father was good." 

 Perplexing to me, there was no whining and complaining about whether their father's gave them enough quality time, whether he was sensitive to all their feelings, whether he ever hurt their pride in an argument or didn't support them in a decision they made. They didn't cry about whether or not he gave them money for college or hobbies or took them to Disney World. They didn't complain about how their father didn't give them the opportunity to succeed at something or enhance some talent they had by sending them to a special camp or school. NO complaining that he didn't buy them a car or help them buy their first home or pay off their college loan. They didn't tell me that their father was unfaithful to their mother or that he spanked them too hard or too often. The answer was simply "yes". I searched for negativity and boo hoos, probed a bit, trying to get a different answer , find some ill will, but no luck. No resentful judgemental feelings or statements. The answer was simply "yes'.

My humble unprofessional interpretation of this all agreed result is this:  Fathers are certainly not always good but by the time you have lived a long life, most likely been a parent and grand parent yourself , made your own many mistakes along the way and grown to an age where you can look back on it all, you will probably believe your father was good. How can this relate to those of us who aren't that old yet? (Concentrate on your father's good points and for God's sake, get off your high horse and give the guy a break!)

Question #2. "What made your father good?"

Again the answers to this question were also all very similar. "He worked hard!"

Darlene smiled as she remembered,"My dad was a fireman all his life , he worked long hard hours and when he wasn't doing that, he did lots of other odd jobs to support us."
Tears welded up in Bills eyes as he answered, "My father worked long hard hours in the field on our farm, never giving himself a day off but Sunday for Church."

In their time, men were expected to work hard and do whatever they needed to do to support their families. Mother's stayed home and Father's worked. Even though this may have changed a bit, even in 2012, most people would appreciate a hard workin man who did whatever was needed to put some food on the table. 

The other most common answer was ""He was strict, but loving and he disciplined us when we needed it." Elderly people look back on their childhood experiences and  appreciate the times when  their Dad handed out some discipline and yes, most of them meant , they were spanked .

Question #3 ? If you could say something to your father today, what would you say?  20 out of 20 polled.

"Thank You."

Happy Father's Day.

I'd rather just NOT be sorry.

Mom and I were talking the other day about someone we know. Someone who got angry, lost control and told someone off. Ok it was me.

We were also discussing other similar situations when people we know and people in our family lose their temper. Grandma  Reagan was Irish so I guess we caught her Irish temper. 

We mentioned how my brother gets angry with his kids and grandkids , how my Dad used to lose his temper with us. We talked about people we know (not me this time) and how they are with their relatives and how things are sometimes said that cause people to stay away from their family for long periods of time. How sometimes one bad incident happens and it ends up turning into an angry arguement about everything that bothers you. How a landslide of emotion and angry words all slide out and the next day you feel sorry about saying anything and you really didn't even mean it. How you can carry a sack of emotions around, how it gets so heavy and suddenly dumps out all over the place.

 All of these things, our temper, our heritage, the circumstances, landslides and sacks. They are all just excuses we come up with for angry outbursts. I added, "Well at least, most the time, I don't stay angry for too long. At least I apologize!"


Her response? "I'd rather just not say it and just NOT be sorry."


(And she wonders why she's still around.)

Waste not, Want not. I don't wanna sew!

Something I've noticed about old people lately, they hate to waste things!
For example, in the dining room. There's a rule at the Wesleyan , I assume for sanitary reasons, that the
food being served cannot be put down on the table and taken away until the end of the meal. Often, the elderly person doesn't notice the desert cup or yogert that is sat down beside their plate by a server. They shake their head no when they see it and the determination to get someone to eat it begins.

They don't want it but they want someone else to eat it. I can't count how many times in the last few years, I have been literally begged to eat food that was sat down without being asked for or desired. Sometimes I take it and hide it behind the fake flower dining room table centerpiece.

A few weeks ago, Mom wanted me to sew up a hole in her red sweat pants. Mom won't wear anything with a hole torn in it, even if it's in a place it doesn't show.  She kept begging me to take the pants home and stitch them up. Thinking she would forget about it in time, I just took them home and threw them away.

Every couple of days like clock work, "Did you sew up my red pants?"  While shopping , I saw a new pair of red sweatpants. Problem solved! "What happened to my other pair?" she asked in dismay.
Yesterday, she asked me to sew up a tear in her OLD OLD blue pockadot shirt. "Mom, I dont wanna sew! You know I hate to sew! I've got a job, a son with a broken ankle, a house to clean, a workout at the gym, a class at Church. I don't even own a needle! I have no thread! I don't wanna sew! I'll buy you a new shirt!"

"Well it would only take 5 minutes to sew up that shirt, Ann." she responded sadly.

My neighbor sews. Wonder how much she would charge me?

Ask yourself these questions, Do you qualify as a wife?

From the book"The Christian Girl" published in 1963. "Ask yourself these questions. Do you qualify as a wife?" These are the questions, "Am I domestic in my tastes?", "Can I cook." and "What kind of temperament do I have?"

Sunday at my church, I noticed a table of books and a sign that said "free books". Within one minute, a book caught my eye. It was a book written by Mamie Hayhurst. It was a series of lessons taught in many Churches in the early 60s to teenage girls. As I looked at it, several senior women noted , "Oh, yes I remember that bible class book ! It was very popular!" Why did this book named "The Christian Girl" catch my eye? Because Mamie wrote it. Mamie married my Grandpa Whitten (Mom's father)after my Grandma died. It was a brief marriage mostly for companionship and was cut short by just plain old age. Neither could really take care of the other anymore. I had often heard that she wrote "The Christian Girl" from relatives. It was utilized for teenage girls bible classes all over the USA.

Looking through it, I realized that this series wouldn't go over well in 2012. Activities included making a scrap book. Front Cover, top right hand corner, picture of the girl. Title "The Girl Becomes a Woman." Page 1: Paste a picture of a bride. :) Whoa, wonder what kinda reaction that would get in 2012! "Is that it?' "Our only choice?'
Other qualities encouraged in this class, are two words my generation never really picked up on all that well. They are being submissive and having a quiet spirit. In reality, men are also told in the bible to submit to their wives. ( Had to add that here, it's sort of a natural reflex.)  Anyway, it wouldn't go over well today in a teenage girl Bible class but in reality, we all know that our divorce statistics would not be as high if women and men didn't insist on our own way all the time. Additonally, who's gonna argue that it's kinda hard to live with a loud overbearing, nagging ... ? Irreconcilable differences is what we like to call it. No fault divorce. Back then, they had the nerve to tell people to submit to one another. A novel concept, I guess.

Mom and I often have these same conversations.  "Don't you have to get dinner on the table?" Mom asks. "Are you going to travel by yourself? Isn't Dan going to go with you?" "Did you get Dan's ironing done?"  I've learned not to  answer these questions with women her age and just to smile instead. Answering "Well I guess he will get dinner some way or another sooner or later." results in a very worried expression. Why worry her? Mom and other nice ladies her age had wonderful long lasting marriages. I'm not going to argue with their success.. In fact, it wouldn't hurt me to take on a more quiet spirit. I've decided to work on that.  No, I'm not going to start ironing.

I wonder if there was ever in history a bible class for teenage boys that taught submission, and being gentle, quiet and kind to their future wives? hmmmm.

Nancy Wright 2/2012

It's never too late to find love.

Is it ever too late to fall in love?

I ask around the Westleyan and the majority of Senior citizens who live there said no. No, it's never too late to find love. One of Mom's good friends, a wonderful lady who's still quite a charmer said it this way. "You never know when it could happen and if and when it does, you should just be open to it, no matter how old you are."

Mom thinks it is too late for her. " I still think of your Father all the time. I wake up at night and I think he's right here. Something happens to me and I wish I could tell him." Her and Dad were married for 65 years. That's a mighty long time and lots of valentines days. Every once in while an older gentlemen flirts with her though. There was a former dentist with a nice smile that would say, "There you are! Such a beauty! How is my girlfriend today?" Mom would get this sort of surprized confusing look on her face and then just the slightest giggle. Unfortunately, he was like my father and didn't last long there. She still mentions him from time to time . She misses him . All women like to be flirted with whether they are old or young or if it's going anywhere or not.
Another lady I know has run the gambit of boyfriends at the nursing home. In fact, she went through a slew of husbands before she came there and now she's still going strong. Every once in a while, she drops one old love struck guy for another and it's as dramatic as high school. I was curious as to her response to my question, "Why of course not! My last husband was 15 years older than me but he was still going strong. He didn't even have to use Viagra !"

Too much info, Arleen, a little too much info. :)

Most people tell me they just wish they would have been a little more appreciative of their love because for many older people , their loves have moved on. And by chance if love comes their way again, they would appreciate it more.
Or as Don Henley of the Eagles put it, "If you find somebody to love in this world, You better hang on tooth and nail."
So for Valentines day, I hope you appreciate those you love now, not later. I love you Daniel Thompson! You are my happily ever after. I'm still hangin on to you!

Anxiety it's contagious!

Me and my grand nephew ! We just can't stop crying.

Among stroke survivors, feelings

of anxiety are common. Often, stroke

survivors suffer from both depression and

anxiety at the same time.

A stroke patient whose personality tends towards anger and depression, or whose personality changes radically, can leave care givers feeling angry and resentful. This anger at times turns into guilt ("How can I be angry at her? She's the one who's sick . . . ") which can result in increased stress and depression.


(The information above is copied from research on Anxiety.) Here's my take on it!

Mom didn't come to my house for Christmas this year. After bringing her for Thanksgiving, I finally decided that taking her outside the Wesleyan isn't worth the struggle. Taking Mom out for holiday events has become a problem. She has to be transported in and out of the car and the house.  It wears her out and she becomes too anxious. She doesn't enjoy it and because of this, I become very anxious. It's contagious!

 I paid to have Mom transported to my house in the Wesleyan van for Thanksgiving. This plan would solve the alternative of bringing her in my car and having family members get her in and out .

But the anxiety started days before the trip. "It's my bath day, if I'm not here, I won't get my bath." "Yes you will get your bath, I will let them know you are coming to my house and they will give you a bath in the morning." Mom shaking  her head , determined this would not happen,"My bath time is  at 2 in the afternoon, not in the morning." Over and over and over, we kept having this conversation.  Everyday, I would reassure her that she would actually, really , beyond a shadow of a doubt , get her bath in the morning.

Of course, they did give her a bath in the morning before she left.

Then we had to deal with,"What am I going to wear?" , "What will I eat?.", "What if I have to go to the bathroom?" None of my answers to these questions made her any less anxious .

I did forget one thing. Mom has to have a thickener in her drinks. After she got here, we didn't have it so I just gave her some milk. It was the thickest thing I had and if she holds her chin down, she can successfully drink it without choking. I gave her things to eat, like mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie.  She can eat soft things with no problems.  The plan was for her to stay 3 hours and she stayed for about 3 and a half. The person coming to get her was a little late. Mom got very anxious waiting for the van. This made me anxious so I called to make sure they were on their way. "Mom's becoming anxious, are you on your way/' I said... anxiously.

The next day, I went to visit Mom and several of the nurses told me that when she came back, her anxiety level had risen so bad, she was just crying and shaking all over.  I was told that she said I didn't give her anything to drink and she was so thirsty. She said that there was nothing she could eat at my house either and was left there way too long. One nurse (of whom I've never really gotten along with ) said bluntly to me," Perhaps you should be less concerned with having her with you for Thanksgiving and consider how your Mom feels about these outings."  I anxiously went out to my car and cried.

For Christmas, my family just went to the Wesleyan and visited her. This was better for Mom. I also talked to her doctor and they increased her anxiety prescription. This could be a good thing, or it might make her so relaxed she's zombie like and can't communicate. ( It's not my first walk around this block, ya know).

I ask Mom what her New Year's resolution was and she said, "Patience."  I said, "Mine too! " Isn't that a coincidence!

Happy New Year!

Tips on what to give an elderly loved one for Christmas.

"Christmas, my child, is love in action. ... Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas."

-- Dale Evans Rogers

I've seen some presents go terribly wrong! 

The worst example of an unworkable unthoughful gift to an elderly friend is all mine. Shame on me, I did it!

I bought a small plastic travel size bottle of cologne bath gel for an elderly man. He still could manuever around quite well. He was still coherant so I thought he would enjoy it.  A couple of days later, I started to notice a rash on his face. "Must be from shaving." he said. The rash became worse until his face was all itchy and welts started to appear. "What happened to your face?" I asked. "My son came and threw away that shaving gel you gave me. He said I shouldn't have used it on my face."
"Oops!" (I'm certain his son wondered what goof ball woman gave his father that gift! ) I felt terrible.

Tips on what to NOT give an elderly loved one for Christmas.

• If you bring something to eat, make sure to find out if they can chew, swallow and enjoy it.  
• If your gift is something for them to wear, make sure it's wash and wear and can be put on with ease.. Don't give them anything that’s too difficult to put over their head! Something with a large V-neck or an easy snap or button down is better. Socks that are soft and easy to put on.
• I'm certain you love grandma but don't give a turtle neck sweater to a woman who only gets her hair done once a week at the facility's beauty parlor. 
• Notice the size of the small bathroom cabinets and drawers that are available. Don’t bring a lifetime size (or let’s just say the rest of their lifetime) bottle of lotion or bubble bath. I’ve seen visitors with loving intentions give huge gallon jugs of lotion they must have bought at Sam’s or Costco. Bring something that fits in their drawer for goodness sake!     

Here's  useful tips on what an elderly loved one really desires for Christmas? It's easier to buy them something but if you really want to make them happy, this is what they would say!

I'd like you to come and visit me. You need to have understanding kind eyes and sit down. Stay as long as my energy lasts and that's not very long. I'd like you to listen to me and not be in a hurry. (Everyone I see every day is working and busy.)

ü  I'd like to tell you about how my life is going without you trying to fix it. (I know you can't.) 

ü  I'd like you to bring in a child to see me. A child with bright eyes and an innocent heart. It's great if it's one of my grandkids or family but it really doesn't matter to me. It's just so nice to see people that age. (It helps me remember when I was younger. It reminds me of when my kids were younger. I miss that time in my life.) 

ü  I’d like you to bring in a dog or a cat for a visit! I want to see it, love it, run my fingers through its hair and look in its eyes. I want to talk silly to it like I always used to talk to my pet.  (I miss my loving family pet and the time in my life when I could have pets.) 

ü  Forgive them! You know good and well who I'm talking about! They mean a lot to me! They are most likely in our family. It could be your brother, your sister, your mother, your father, your cousin, your aunt or uncle. Just forgive them, let them know about it and tell me that you did! They don't have to change in order for you to forgive them. They don't have to say they are sorry first. (I don't want to die being worried that you never forgave them and that stubborn, stinkin ugly, bitterness continue as an example for future generations). It's the most difficult gift I ever ask for. Isn’t it!

ü  I'd like you to be cheerful and loving toward me, no matter how grumpy I am. Hug me and kiss me!  Tell me how much you appreciate me and how much I have always meant to you. 

That's the best gift ever! Be it Christmas or any other day of the year!

"It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags. 

The the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before.

Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... 

He thought  ...means a little bit more."

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM MY FAMILY TO YOURS!

 I appreciate the followers of this blog so much  and how much you love my mother Nancy Wright and /or how much you love and care for the elderly folks in your family. Thanks for your support and understanding!  Love, Ramona Ann Thompson

YOU OWE BIG TIME!



            This is my family enjoying Thanksgiving dinner.

Praise God, from whom all blessings flow;
Praise Him, all creatures here below;
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host;
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Words from a hymn written in the 1500's, still familiar to most Christians today, one of my Mom's favorites.

Just wandering around the main dining hall where 75 resident's eat their dinner. I'm looking for a stack of warm ( fresh from the dryer) striped towel bibs. Why? I don't really work here but I help out when I can. I hear little scratchy voices that ask politely, "Ann, Can you help me with this?" Even though these bibs are easy to just lap around your neck, it's a struggle for elderly people like Mom, especially if they have only one workable hand. Then from another table I hear, "Ann, can you help me open this?" Even when they do have workable hands, getting their stiff little aged fingers to open a small container of yogurt or a bag of saltine crackers is a frustrating time consuming experience.  Spoons, forks and napkins often flip off the table accidentally and fall to the floor which usually requires getting a new clean one unless you believe in the 3 second rule. By the time I hear "Ann?" that rule does not apply anyway.

Elderly people are generally impatient, they want what they want now and they don't like to wait.  In fact, when you can't do anything for yourself, that's what you do every waking moment. You wait for someone to help you, you wait for someone to bathe you, you wait for someone to come and take you to the bathroom, you wait for someone to bring your dinner and then you wait for someone to tie your bib. "Ann, my bib fell down, can you help me?"

A nice pleasant looking woman calls me over to her table and looks me in the eye. I haven't met her before but I have smiled at her from across the room. She's not a person who needs much help, so I wonder what she wants. "Ann, I've seen you here every day, helping your mother and I just want you to know that we all look forward  to seeing your smiling face and we look forward to spotting what interesting outfit , hat or shoes you wore to work today. It's just a nice break from seeing scrubs on everyone else. I want you to know that not only your Mom is blessed by you being here. We are all blessed by you being here." In just that moment, my eyes overflow with tears. "Thank you" I answer in sort of a quiet blubber and head back to my seat. 

Fred, who sits next to Mom at dinner sees me and asks, "What happened?" My tears give me away. "Oh that lady over there said she appreciated me being here to see mom and it made me cry." Another table mate, Helen chimes in, " My daughter says she comes because I helped her when she was a baby and now it's her turn. She owes me!"  Seeing my mother nod in agreement with Helen, I add " My mother not only raised me but ended up helping me raise two baby boys when I got divorced!"


"OH! Then you owe double time, big time!" Fred declares with a giggle.

 (Your family and friends aren't perfect. Sometimes, God blesses you in mysterious ways.)

Thanks giving is about remembering all the good things your family and friends do for you!  All those things they have done, put up with and continually do to bless you. Be thankful for the people and situations God has blessed you with. Count your blessings.  Praise God from whom all blessings flow.


Happy Thanksgiving ! Love Mom and me.